It's 9:58 at night. No one is awake. I've texted my mother and she is asleep too. I'm freaking out.
There isn't a reason for it. I just don't feel safe. It's not okay. I'm not okay.
I feel like no matter where I am I'm not okay.
I feel like I want to die.
It's kind of cold and I'm hot. It doesn't make sense to be both hot and cold right now.
My head is throbbing, my chest squeezes too tight, I think I need to vomit.
And I'm alone.
My dog senses something is wrong and tries to lick me out of it. It's not working but I tell her it's okay anyway. I tell her I love her and I'm sorry for being a bad momma. I tell her I just need a bit of help.
I calm her and she lays down. She's satisfied for now just to watch me. But I'm still not okay. I don't know what to do.
I want to get up and run. I want to go sit in the car and scream. Maybe drive away. It confuses my husband when I do that, so I sit here and hope that I don't die.
It feels like I'm dying, I think I should die before it gets worse and something bad happens. I feel like something bad is happening.
I don't feel safe.
What do I do?
It's too much.
It's 10:30 now. I've been crying for a half hour. I'm not sure why.
I just need to scream a little. I want to yell.
I'm not stable and there's no one.
Everything is too much, the fan is too loud, the light posts are shining too bright through the windows, I can't breathe. I'm dying.
My legs feel funny and everything is hurting now.
I need help.
What do I need?
What do I do?
I can't escape.
I am dying.
10:45, I'm rocking back and forth. I'm trying to calm myself. I want to go sleep in the closet where it's dark and I can't hear noises. If I fall asleep and they can't find me they'll worry…so I don't.
Something is wrong. Everything hurts. I'm tired and I want to sleep but it builds regardless.
What do I do?
I get up and walk around the house to work out my legs. I find pain medicine and hope it will help.
I go lay on the floor in the other room. I don't want to wake my husband with my crying.
I bring extra pillows and blankets and try to soothe myself but it's not working.
I need to go. I need to get out. I'm dying.
Why is it so hot?
It's well past eleven. My head will not stop pounding at me. I think my heart may stay inside my chest tonight though, I'm not sure if I'm calming down but the tears have stopped.
He's sort of awake, so I go lay down. I try to hold him as hard as possible without alarming him. I need his comfort but don't ask. It's better for him if I don't. I don't want to burden him in the middle of the night.
No one should have to deal with this.
I wake up sometime later and my mother has texted back. It's too late though, I'm mostly calm and able enough to handle myself for the time being.
This is typically what happens when an attack occurs and everyone is sleeping or no one is near me. I just wander until it, hopefully, gets better.
Sometimes I do get up and go to the car. I'm careful to be quiet. I've driven around for hours, stopping at various spots to ugly cry or scream. I come home after it's almost done. I lay down and I don't tell anyone that it happened again.
Sometimes he is here and awake. I don't know that it's better. He doesn't know what to do and I can't tell him because I don't know either.
Talking rarely helps, cuddles only sometimes, sometimes nothing helps and it just escalates until it just goes away.